The Great Fall of 2015

With Christmas drawing closer, our family was in full swing of dinners, parties, recitals and shows. I rushed around the house, feeling the urgency of the season. Looking back, I think that feeling I felt may actually have been bad pizza, because urgency is certainly not what the season is all about. Here I was, cleaning the kitchen up after breakfast, mentally checking off my Christmas list one by one, and taking mental notes of all who I still needed to buy gifts for. Which led me to think about wrapping. I had only wrapped a couple of things. The Advent calendar. Here it was, December 22, and we had only read about four days of the calendar together as a family. I was thinking that if I got enough things done now, I could work on connecting well with the family later, and maybe read some Advent calendar. Oh, laundry! I rushed to get it started. I felt sure we would run out of clean clothes to wear, if I did not start a load of laundry this minute. Then it happened. I slipped on the steps to the laundry room, falling flat, face down on the floor. It was a foot sprain, plus a foot strain, and, as I was soon to learn, not quick healing ones. Immediately, I was rather forced into Rest Mode. Let It Go Mode. Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff Mode. That evening, we had to cancel our Christmas dinner plans. The first full day of Rest Mode was difficult for me. Rest? I was not even done wrapping gifts. I was not even done purchasing gifts. And what about that laundry that I was so sure we would run out of before I fell down? Who would feed my children? Or myself? I struggled with anxiety on day one. My friend and my sister helped me wrap presents and fold laundry, and Isabel and Jessica were in charge of putting the laundry away. I knew full well that pieces would be scattered into incorrect dressers, and that Caleb would end up wearing Joshua’s pants. I remember when Dustin was driving me to the doctor to get x-rays, I said, “We have to buy cupcakes! I’m bringing cupcakes to Christmas!” He just kind of looked at me funny, and suggested I let that go. Something about x-rays being more important, or something. Dustin was immensely serving, patient, understanding, and helpful. By day two, I was in full swing Rest Mode. I slowly learned how to let things go. I cut back on caffeine, since I realized it did not help me rest one bit. I thought back (since I had plenty of time to think) to our recent visitor named Flory, from Guatemala, who had stayed in our home for a month. She was  unhurried and methodical, who was all about connection in the midst of the task. She reminded of me of my childhood, much of which was in Latin America, where a person set about their day in a purposeful way, peacefully, with no urgency. Today we are making tortillas. Now we will cook soup. Now we will give the kids a bath. There was no rushing, rushing. (There were also very few vehicles or reasons to drive, after school activities, appointments, etc.) I began to see the feeling of urgency as the trap that it is. A lie, even. We are not made for urgency: emotionally, physically, or in any way. Urgency was bringing me stress, which can open the door to other problems, physical and emotional. What was driving my perceived urgency? Hurrying through my day so I could have better quality time later. Seeing if I could squeeze in just one more thing before my next appointment. I actually skipped connect times during the day, so that I could have “better” connect times later. I just did a big eye roll right there. We are created to walk in rest. We are wired for walking in rest. Our Heavenly Father walks in rest, and he created us in his image. Another thing he is showing me through this is to trust others. Trust others. That is hard for me. I would much rather wash the pot than to tell others how to wash the pot for me. I have had so many opportunities in the last two weeks, to describe to others how I would like the pot to be washed, and then trust that they will get it washed. Sigh. Sometimes they leave spots on the pot, or soap bubbles, but, you know what? I trusted them. And I know it is all about the process of trusting and growing, and not about how well the pot gets washed. So right now I am eagerly searching out opportunities to trust others so I can grow here. You know why it is important? Because trusting others is fundamental to our growth and maturity. God has trusted mankind with the most precious gift ever, his only Son. Some of mankind understand the value of him; some do not. And yet, we are still entrusted with him. Because… trust is important. Another thing I am learning through this is my value. Picture this: I have been stuck on the bed/couch for days, letting others wait on me, bring me food and drink. What have I done in return? Nothing. Absolutely nothing, except cause much more work for my family who is taking care of me. I keep expecting my husband to run out of patience. I keep expecting one of my daughters to have a meltdown and ask me if I am ever getting well. But no, they just keep right on working, cheerfully, bringing whatever I need or want, and helping me get around the house. They are still doing this, as I am beginning week 3. Oh, did I ever question my value in this. Did I ever. I like checklists. I struggle with performance. I struggle with the feeling that I am valued by how much I can check off of my list. Rush, rush, check off, check off. This is not true either. Deep down, I know this, but I still struggle. So here I am, on the couch, crocheting or reading, and still am worthy to ask for a glass of water or a snack. Because: I am learning that I am valuable in just being myself. God created me to BE, not to do and perform. There is nothing that I can do to add to my value. The only thing that I can do is continue to discover my value, and I know that will be a life long process. Another thing he is showing me is to prioritize connection. While I am resting on the couch, it is very easy to give my husband and children my full attention. I am grateful that they walked into the room! I immediately put down my crocheting, or book, and look them full in the face. I began to realize how much multitasking has been filling my daily life, and how much that is hurting my connection with my family. “Just a minute, let me finish this…” It was such a stark contrast that it really made me stop and think about how much my own life changed when I prioritized connection with those closest to me. This process is complicated, so I wrote out steps for it:

Step 1. Drop what you are doing.

Step 2. Give them your full attention.

Not that complicated, actually! Connecting throughout the process instead of after the process. Slowing down enough, and walking in rest enough to connect all day long. That is life changing for us, and for those closes to us. So how do we walk in rest? I am still learning. I do know that the first step is to trust him completely, and not in ourselves and our abilities. Somehow, those big things I was anxious about this Christmas turned into little things, or nonexistent things. I am now learning how to transition back to leading the kids in daily life… from the couch, as I continue to heal. I call it CCC (Couch Command Central). It is as difficult as it sounds, to take Rest Mode into daily life. I have learned so much in the last fourteen days, this could go down as my best Christmas ever.